A fish processing plant in the warehouse district of a large American city
A U.S. Government surplus cheese warehouse

U.S. Government Warehouse #137-B
E. Presley & J. Morrison, Proprietors
  J. Hoffa & J.E. Hoover, Curators


(A full explanation will NOT be forthcoming…)


The Ark of the Covenant

100-mpg carburetor

3 Martian War Machines

Smashed pieces of the time gizmo from "The Philadelphia Experiment"

Engine that runs on tap water

Assorted perpetual motion devices. They all work.

Hundred of huge crates marked with the name Craig Shergold (containing business cards and get well cards by the million).

H.G. Wells' working time machine from "Time After Time"

The UFO that purportedly crashed in the early '50s in New Mexico (and the frozen bodies of the alien crew)

Evidence proving the TRUE story of the Kennedy assassination

Judge Crater

What's left of Flight 19

All of the oddball geological findings that never seem to get displayed in museums, including:
    The lump of coal with a spark plug in it
    The piece of sandstone containing human footprints
    The dinosaur skull with a bullet hole in it

Microscope slide labeled "Turin Shroud section No. 325", with piece of material reading "Made In Korea" in tiny letters

Thunderbird 9

The contents of a house previously owned by the Addams family

The contents of a house previously owned by the Munster family

An equation demonstrating the possibility of creating negative-life energy

A large parchment dating from 1632 mapping numerous irregularities in the time/space continuum

A collection of psychological reports detailing various conditions including: acute paranoia, acute schizophrenia, profound catatonia, various phobias, etc. All the patients have at one time or another analyzed the Necronomicon

A statue of a monster of vaguely humanoid outline, with an octopus-like head. The face is a mass of tentacles over a scaly, rubbery-looking body, with and long, narrow wings. Inscription: "Cthulhu"

An authorization for the assassination of Norma Jean Baker. It is signed by President John F. Kennedy and is dated 4 August 1962

A gun recovered from a grassy knoll in Dallas, Texas by CIA agents on 22 November 1963

Several test tubes filled with swine flu

A machine that allows emotions and all other sensations to be recorded by one person and that can be played back and experienced by a second party. There are several tapes including: skydiving, sexual relations, and heart attack

Shakespeare's lost play, titled THE TRAGICKAL HISTORY OF KING ARTHUR

The Tarnhelm

A plain gold ring. Unknown script appears on the inside when the ring is heated sufficiently. Properties include (but are not limited to): Invisibility of wearer, extreme age-retardation of the bearer, and a profoundly increased degree of power lust in the bearer. The bearer also becomes extremely reluctant to surrender the ring.

A rope that cannot be broken, with traces of wolf hair on it.

A primitive yet working subspace radio. It is composed of a record player, a sawblade with holes punched in it, a fork, aluminum foil, an umbrella, and a Texas Instrument See and Spell. The characters it transmits have yet to be deciphered. It was found on a small hill in southern California.

Reese's Pieces with extraterrestrial bacteria on them. Found on same hill as the subspace radio

A large stone tablet, reconstructed from broken pieces, with Hebrew writing on it. It  sets forth Commandments 11 through 20

Definitive proof that the Illuminati exist, and their plans to control the world. It is sealed in a safe with the figure of an eye atop a pyramid

Documentation revealing that in exchange for scientific advances, the government provides UFO crews with human beings for unknown reasons

Evidence suggesting that officials took bribes from concerned Arab oil men to sabotage cold-fusion experiments

A cyanide-laced apple with a bite out of it

One glass slipper

One red riding hood, slightly bloody

25 yards of golden blond hair

A house made out of stale candy

Evidence showing that JFK didn't support the Bay of Pigs Invasion because the Illuminati threatened to expose several scandals if he did.

A stuffed Ravenous BugBlatter Beast of Traal

Confirmed photo of Adolf Hitler living high on the hog in Argentina

Another confirmed photo of Hitler breaking a glass with his foot in his marriage ceremony to Eva Braun

Several volumes with the title WHAT THE SHADOW KNOWS

Equipment recovered from the laboratory of Dr. Frankenstein

Papers showing that the Mafia was created by the government in order to keep the citizenry in line

Information proving that the Illuminati sabotaged the Iran hostage rescue mission so that they could put a puppet president in office.  They succeeded with flying colors. Then they did it again. And again…

A map to the Fountain of Youth and its guard, Ponce de Leon

A blackboard with equations that prove that time really is money

Confirmation of a tenth planet and an advanced civilization living there

Records of the contents of Hangar 33 (and evidence that Hangar 18 was invented as government misinformation)

A heavy metal box, 75cm on a side, painted in military green. Each side has the words, "This side towards enemy" printed on it.

The Transience Disk

The Aeolanthe & Naeolanthe

One Tesla radio power-distribution system

John Galt

The top 10 vaporware products of all time

A Liliputian

What's left of the apple that fell on Newton's head

Nazi flying saucers

The Jet Pack of "Commando Cody"

Big black slab collected by the Leakeys in Olduvai Gorge (also a femur found in orbit)

A Cloudbuster (a rainmaking machine built by Wilhelm Reich)

A dinosaur egg. Fresh. In a crate marked "Africa."

A chunk of steel, of an unusual alloy, that bears the label "Tunguska 190?" (Slightly radioactive)

A box full of scrolls - written in Aramaic. Box says "Gnostic II."

Ronald Reagan Mark I and the animatronics to make him work

A notebook belonging to Fermat, containing the answer to his "Last Theorem," plus notes about a much more interesting conjecture

A freezer holding the body of Walt Disney

The Necronomicon

Beethoven's Eleventh Symphony

A tight-fitting blue costume with a big red "S" on the chest

The backup tape archives from the "Terminator 2" lab

The Infinite Improbability Generator

HAL 9000's failed Turing Test (He got a 57%!)

A copy of "Bunnies & Burrows"

The body of Valentine Michael Smith

The center of a Tootsie Roll Pop

A live sample of the Great Virus of '29

The Heart of Gold

The seed to the Tree of Knowledge

Two and a half tons of Nazi gold recovered from a Swiss mine shaft in 1945

Some plants from the Brazilian rain forest that can cure just about anything

Part of a Soviet Sub recovered by Howard Hughes' Glomar Explorer back in 1971

A searchlight with the silhouette of a bat on it

A book entitled "To Serve Man"

JFK's Brain

The gold from the lost Dutchman mine

The sets and costumes used to fake the Apollo moon landing

The Rhinegold

The FBI and CIA files detailing the Career of "Special Agent Elvis"

A mountain of letters addressed to Santa Claus

A bottle with a tag, "Drink Me"

One kite, string, and key (scorched)

A "Zoltar" coin-operated fortune telling machine

Gort the robot

200 year old crate of tea (damaged) marked "Boston"

Contents of a television studio once based in a desert. Props include Mars landscape sections and life-sized fiberglass spaceships

Ted Kennedy's driver's license

Yoko Ono's talent

The Lincoln Savings and Loan cash reserves

A portrait showing that Helen of Troy was a real dog

Michael Jackson's original nose

The original blueprints for building the Great Pyramid of Egypt

 A telephone book for Mars

The original magnifying glass used by Sherlock Holmes

A bottle of smoke from the Chicago Fire

Ten crates of clothes labeled "Liberace"

25 crates of Confederate money

500 crates of $2 bills

2500 crates of Susan B. Anthony dollar coins

A large vat of green goo, labeled "Keep away from turtles!"

The real contents of Al Capone's Vault

A bottle of the "andromedia strain" Virus

Several Bigfoot(s)

A crate of seed pods from "Invasion of the Body Snatchers"

The cursed ship "Der Fliegende Hollander" ("The Flying Dutchman")

The missing pages from the log of the "Marie Celeste"

Adolf Hitler's body … intact

The Blob … in a large freezer, of course

Gary Seven's voice-operated typewriter

Spock's vacuum tube computer made in the 1930's, found in flophouse






Did you hear that?





That sound………..










Never mind, it was probably nothing.






All the books which were checked out at the time the Library at Alexandria burned

A map showing where the Time Tunnel desert base's drive-in door is located

The original plans for Colossus (the Forbin Project)

Saucer pieces, mostly melted from magnesium flares, found in the (Ant)artic

NASA office memo about refusing collect calls from a Will Robinson

Hollow Kryptonite meteorite, found in Smallville, USA. Cradle inside

Three "telepods", non-working, along with a grotesque fly/human/metal body

Spy satellite photos detailing the location of Noah's Ark

A working orgone energy machine

A  live unicorn

Plans for a working anti-gravity device including a sample of Cavorite

Complete maps and journals of the expedition PROVING the Hollow Earth theory

What REALLY happened on the Hindenberg

Two strange electronic devices, found with a set of identification for "Commander Pavel Chekhov, Starfleet."

A set of photographs of a tall (6'3"), muscular man wearing sunglasses. Some appear to have been taken at a police station, the rest at a mall.

A green meteorite attatched to a chain, found in a sewer by the Metropolis department of Public Works

Two CDs, one marked "Elvis" and the other marked "Bruce." These are kept with two identically-marked reels of tape and a strange machine

Plans and a prototype of a reactionless engine. The notes say it puts out no exhaust mass, only heat and light

A circular shield, about 3' in diameter, with concentric red and white rings and a star in the center on a blue field

A black sword, with red runes on it, unearthed in western Canada with a petrified human skeleton. The sword is dated as being older than the earth where it was found. Researchers tested the sword to find out what it was made of, but it defied their efforts. Everyone who touched the sword died

A gold medallion with raised markings on each side, and an off-center hole holding a red crystal

A glowing green crystal, about 10 inches long and 2.5 inches wide with angled ends, discovered near the North Pole

An illuminated manuscript much like a Bible, along with a rabbit's corpse and many pieces of shrapnel

A large emerald in the shape of a heart, confiscated from a fence in new York City

Captain Hook's hand

A listing of pi which gets to a long stretch of ones and then ends

The cure for the common cold

The recipe for McDonald's secret sauce

KFC's 11 secret herbs and spices

The Philosopher's Stone.

The Missing Link

Dates and times for all of Nosatradamus's prophecies

A document containing proof that Salem really did have witches

Proof that Daylight Savings Time and fluoridation really ARE Communist plots

The true identity of the kidnapper of the Lindbergh baby

Amelia Earhart

Six copies of the Mona Lisa, all verifiably the work of Da Vinci, except for the words "This is a fake" written in Italian on the back of each. A seventh, which DOESN'T have "This is a fake" written on the back.

The formula for Coca-Cola

Every taxicab in the Metropolitan New York area (only while it's raining)

The Golden Fleece

A broadsword from roughly 1000 AD with a woman's hand still gripping the handle

A grafitti-free subway car

A hen's tooth

A calendar containing a month made up entirely of Sundays

The Ultimate Nullifier

The six lost episodes of "Dr. Who" (and you thought only one was lost…)

A pair of red ruby slippers

A pillar of salt in the shape of a woman

An extremely well-aged apple with two bites out of it

The universal solvent (we think) (bring your own container) (hurry) (never mind…)

A letter from an Egyptian princess, saying she'd like to be reincarnated as Shirley McLean

A receipt for a rifle and ammo from Dallas Texas, to the account of L.B. Johnson

The REAL crown jewels of Iran/Persia

The Maltese Falcon

An old treaty between Argentina and England giving the Falklands to Uganda

An effective chemical contraceptive for men

The Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything

"That Loving Feeling"

A slightly radioactive safe marked "R.M.S. Titanic"

Pay stubs with the words "Central Intelligence Agency" and "Lee Harvey Oswald"

The report given to FDR on the Japanese fleet steaming toward Hawaii

George Washington's membership card for the Masons

Telegram from Andrew Johnson to John Wilkes Booth saying "Great show at Ford's Theater — a definite do-not-miss (hint hint)"

90% of the works of Nikola Tesla

Ship with bodies embedded in inch-thick steel from the "Philadelphia Experiment"

A Mac SE hard disk containing plans for "Transparent Aluminum"

Plans for the "Wildfire" research station

Map of Atlantis

Everything ever lost in the Bermuda Triangle

A disc (ring) with a ratio of circumference to diameter equal 3

Schubert's last symphony (complete)

A short mathematical proof that the travelling salesman problem can be solved in polynomial time

An Elder God, dead

A pouch of sand, a red ruby on a chain, and a strange insect-like mask

Several Caroline clones (they work in the warehouse)

A Kirlian photograph of Stonehenge, showing auras of all the stones, including the missing ones

An old-fashioned green railroad-man's lantern, and a collection of green rings of various shapes and sizes

The original manuscript for "Bible II: God Strikes Back"

Various archaeological relics from Mu, Lemuria, Atlantis, Shangri-La, and Xanadu

A complete set of the golden age Suicide Squad comics

Several kilograms of Byzanium, along with a 1889 Colorado newspaper and the body of a Red Army corporal

A wooden staff, with a claw holding a crystal on the end

An F-15's gun-camera recording of a Dragon in flight

Maps to caves in Ireland where several spaceships (with markings in Gaelic) are kept

The coordinates of a rain-swept planet far out in the galaxy, inhabited by a little old man who likes cats (even though he doesn't believe in them)

Aristotle's treatise on humor

The Freemasons' Ultimate Secret

King Arthur's perfectly preserved body

The sixth replicant

The Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator

A bubble-gum machine full of dehydrated Martians (just add water)

Map & instructions for recovering the treasure on Oak Island

The method used to place the statues on Easter Island

The reason the statues were put there

The Beethoven manuscripts that disappeared at his death.

Two live plesiosaurs

A magnetic monopole

A huge ax and an even bigger stuffed blue ox

Edison's final invention: The Necrophone, a device enabling one to speak with the dead

A handwritten proof repudiating the notion of relativity, signed A. Einstein

A dummy terminal connecting to nothing in particular, with a prompt. When any name is typed in, the COMPLETE history of the subject is displayed, including what he is doing at this moment, with constant updating

One human skeleton in a box of dirt, with a wooden stake inserted into the ribcage

A strange machine, incorporating a glass cylinder with a weird gel flowing within it, and sealed with a lock that can only be opened from within. Found in the basement of a church in Detroit

The bodies of the victims of Crest test #57

Directions to Midian

Joseph Smith's golden tablets

The missing 23 minutes of Nixon's tape recordings

The Marquis de Saint Germain

All that runic graffiti saying things like "Sven was here" and "Olaf stinks" from the upper Mississippi

A parrot-headed umbrella

A giant Lincoln's head penny

A tabletop fortune-telling machine

A sled with the brandname of "Rosebud"

Several hypodermic needles, labelled "Lot Six"

Several spare self-destructing tape recorders

A shoe-phone

A birth certificate with MacGyver's FIRST name!

A diary purporting to show the location of the Holy Grail, labelled "property of Prof. H. Jones"

Reports, wreckage, and photos from the Starkweather-Moore expedition to Antartica. Contains the bodies of what look like 5-symmetric animals with fan-shaped wings and lots of tentacles. Also contains what looks like a frozen block of blackish protoplasm marked "Do not defrost under ANY circumstances"

Photo showing the "Illuminated Five" (Nikola Tesla, Howard Hughes, Adam Weishaupt, H.P. Lovecraft, and Nostradamus) having a beer bash at the Eye In The Pyramid pub in Ingolstadt

The Overthruster and Buckaroo Banzai's jet car.

Proof that Orson Wells' War of the Worlds broadcast was not a joke

The complete manuscript of Coleridge's "Kubla Khan"

Artifacts left behind or dropped by the aliens that Eric Von Daniken claims to have seen (usually said to be guarded by "wild tribesmen" or drug runners, etc.)

One of those movie revolvers that apparently never needs reloading

The Phantom Tollbooth

The sequel to "Gone With the Wind" that Margaret Mitchell supposedly burned

The map to King Solomon's mines

The Viking longship discovered in California's Imperial Valley around 1910

A stuffed Pterodactyl, shot in Africa earlier in this century

Millions of Pet Rocks (everybody bought one, nobody has one now, they have to be SOMEWHERE!)

The official U.S. Navy map showing the location of Gilligan's Island

Hundreds of millions of dirty socks, each tagged with the time, date and location of the laundry in which they disappeared

Various bits of a red 1958 Plymouth Fury named "Christine"

A Tanu skeleton (stored with a variety of high-tech weapons and devices found with it buried on the bottom of the Mediterranean Sea, dated approximately 6 million years old)

A live dodo

The Great American Novel.  Actually, one Great American Novel from the 1960's, another from the '50's, another from the '20's, and a couple more without established dates

Documents suggesting that "NSA" really meant "No Such Agency," the code name of an elaborate cover for yet another internal security service --as yet unknown

A book with the title: THE TRUTH. One page, one sentence. One glance at it and you will know the truth. Of course, when somebody learns the truth his head explodes

Real live (frozen or otherwise) Jackalopes, Hidebehinds, Bammats, Flats, Duppies, and other such beasties

An atom with the atomic number of 104

A coke can with the old style pull tabs

Several cases of the original Coke (the ones with cocaine)

The location of Car 54

The Golem of Prague

Frankenstein's Monster

A passenger pigeon

The crashed UFO from White Sands, 1947

A statement stating that Iran-Contra was "all my idea", signed Ronald Reagan

George Bush's travel log from October, 1980

Professor Azland's time bubble

A spaceship powered entirely by steam

Phone number for the Earth Defense League

Crashed and destroyed Yeti, Ogron, and Dalek spacecraft

Videotape footage of the Loch Ness Monster. And Bigfoot

A battered and aged working copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. An extra towel came with it.

CIA pay stubs, made out in the name of Mikhail Gorbachev

A cat. No one can tell whether it is alive or dead

A sacred cow

The collected writings of Kilgore Trout

A vial containing a perfect vacuum



All the gadgets designed by Q, including the ones James Bond didn't use

The alien spacecraft from "Quatermass and the Pit"

The first telephone, invented by Percy Forbes-Hamilton. It wasn't much use until Alexander Graham Bell invented the second one

A map showing the exact location of Thunderbirds' Island H.Q.

The date and time of the revolution

The location of the first tunnel under the Channel (built back in Napoleon's time)

The Difference Engine

Videotape of a secret Special Air Service raid on a UFO, shot by a Commander Straker

The diary of one "S. Holmes, Consulting Detective." Includes the complete accounts of all those unwritten Sherlock Holmes adventures, such as "The Adventure of the Aluminium Crutch", and "The Giant Rat of Sumatra", that Watson kept tempting us with!

A similar (but often contradictory) diary by a Dr. Watson

Several infernal devices created by a Dr. Manchu, in crates shipped in from Hong Kong. Inquiries about them from someone named Fa Lo Suee are not to be honored.

A bottle holding a bacterial culture labeled "Mutant 59."

A "Norwegian Blue" parrot nailed to a perch in a birdcage (beautiful plumage!)

A Babelfish

Miscellaneous documents labeled "Project Tic-Toc"

A bottle of pills marked "S. Beamish"

A rubber mask that looks just like David McCallum

A manuscript, giving operating instructions for Stonehenge

A device for flattening areas of corn

An Eyes-Only Scotland Yard File re: a series of prostitute murders in London in the 1890's

A file cabinet, formerly belonging to one Brigadier Arthur Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart, containing detailed documents of encounters with assorted aliens and creatures on the British Isles, all stamped with the words "TOP SECRET:UNIT"

Blueprints for a "Time Machine", with the initials "H.G.W." signed at the bottom

A bag of old jelly-babies

A stuffed hound with a tag saying "Baskervilles"

Three pegs with various sized discs on them. A monk is slowly moving one disc at a time

Diagrams for a semi-functional mind control device, and (pessimistic) progress reports for control of subject "John M."

Details of the massive conspiracy which seems to have resulted in most of the British secrets ending up in the US warehouse

The names and scorecards of all the international teams competing in the "World Series"

The formula for the Top Secret language encrypting system developed by the CIA, which was used to call a game in which something which isn't a ball is hardly ever kicked called "Football"

Prince Edward's A-Level exam papers

The incorporation papers of a company called "Universal Export"

A map showing the exact location of the Village
A parchment letter from James I to a group of biblical scholars starting with the words "Your work is entirely unacceptable — especially that wild 'Revelations' chapter, it doesn't make any sense!"

A large leathery egg found on the shores of a Scottish loch

MI6's report on machinery of unearthly origin found on an unnamed ship lifted out of Auckland Harbor

A rain making machine confiscated from the MCC

The final page of "The Communist Manifesto" containing the punch line, found inside a volume in the British library where it had seemingly been dropped in the haste of getting the book to the publisher

The recipe for British Rail sausage rolls, confiscated for national security reasons



Roger Bacon's robot

Pliny's "History of Rome" and the missing parts of the "Mary Magdalene Gospel"

A suppressed letter from St. Paul apologizing to the ladies of the church at Corinth

A complete transcript of Galileo's trial (including the non-public parts)

The Fatima Prophecies (One look at those, and the Pope in office at the time locked himself up for three days)

A copy of the Necronomicon — no, the REAL one.

The check for the Last Supper

At least a couple of demons, imprisoned

A big old hourglass that cannot be turned over, slowly running out

A very large key, inset with pearls, inscribed (in Aramaic) "To Peter: Sorry, you can't take it with you."

Copies of all the books put on the "Banned" lists (Know Thine Enemies!)

An ancient map, dated AD 476 that points to the major locations where all the books were taken (Damn the *^$#$ Dark Ages!)

Tons of Stuff by Raphael, Leonardo Da Vinci, Michaelangelo, and Donatello, along with a few others, deemed "inappropriate" for the general populace, but which looked spiffy on the Pope's bedroom wall

A bottle of water that says "Taken from top of Everest…Remember!"

A pile of ash composed primarily of brimstone, with a card: "remember"

A pillar of salt, with a card: "I told you NOT to look back!"

Various bottles containing insects, frogs, lice, etc., and the last labelled, "Azrael. Open in case of Emergency."

The char-broiled corpse of a non-Levite

A horn, reading, "Property of Gabriel - DO NOT BLOW!!!!"




The Firefox (or at least plans for it)

All the material on the Russian ESP "remote viewing" project (which, of course, was stolen by our own remote viewers)

The bodies of the executed Romanoff royal family, including Anastasia

All the missing Old Masters paintings that the Nazis commandeered

Lenin's last orders

The UFO that crashed in Siberia in 1908



The sword given to the first Emperor by the goddess Amaterasu

A copy of the telegram from Tojo to Roosevelt giving warning of the Pearl Harbor attack

An oxygen destroyer

The manuscript for a book entitled "The Japan That Can Say No" (oops, that one leaked out already!)

The manuscript for the really inflammatory version of "The Japan That Can Say No"





There it is again, did you hear that?






The sound, that sound!











It's …. it's getting closer!






























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